


u-n-i

by LottieAnna



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Confusion, M/M, coming out ish?, the word "unisex" plays a prominent role
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 06:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16362797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/LottieAnna
Summary: Joey just really likes his bag, and also Chandler.(In which Joey finds words confusing and not very helpful.)





	u-n-i

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters in this story!

Joey likes the bag.

It’s not a purse, it’s a _bag._ A shoulder bag. A sexy leather shoulder bag for a sexy leather man. The modern man has a lot of things on him, and tool belts are disorganized and sloppy, and fanny packs are insufficient, so— bag it is.

Liking one bag—one masculine, industrial bag, practically a briefcase—does _not_ make him a woman. Chandler makes plenty of jokes about men being women whenever they do something that reminds him of his father, but those are his daddy issues. Joey’s dad didn’t run away from their family to date the bus boy, and neither did Joey’s pu— Joey’s _bag’s_ dad. His not-purse, not-girly, not-abandoned-by-its-father, _bag._

“Hey, Monica?” Joey asks, because Monica is smart about things like this. Monica is pretty much the smartest person knows, except for maybe Phoebe, or Rachel, or sometimes Chandler.

“Yeah?” she says, not looking up.

“I really like this bag.”

Monica smiles, flips the page of her magazine. “That’s nice, Joey. We’re all happy for you.”

“Yeah,” Joey says, pleased. “Hey, it— it doesn’t make me a woman, having a bag like this, right?”

That gets her to look up. “No, Joey, that’s— that’s not how it works.”

“Good, good,” Joey says, nodding. “So you can be a dude and have… unisex thoughts, sometimes?”

“Unisex thoughts,” Monica echoes, closing the magazine and sitting up a little straighter.

“Neat word, right?” Joey says. “It means that it’s for men and women.”

“No, I know what— and that’s not—” She shakes her head. Joey doesn’t begrudge her the confusion, considering he’s still not 100% on the meaning himself. “Have you had other… unisex thoughts, lately? Besides the bag?”

Joey thinks about it for a second. “Not really.”

“Alright,” Monica says, opening her magazine again, but not actually reading it.

So, Joey thinks some more.

“Oh!” he says. “I can’t stop thinking about Chandler.”

Monica stares at him for a beat. “Chandler.”

“Yeah, you know, my roommate? Thinks he’s super funny, wears vests sometimes—”

“I know who Chandler is,” Monica says. “What do you mean, you can’t stop thinking about him?”

Joey shrugs. “You know.”

“Let’s say I don’t know,” Monica says. “Could you maybe provide some… examples of some thoughts you’ve had about Chandler?”

“Please, Monica,” Joey says, a little shocked. “We’re in unisex company.”

“We’re gonna sit down and have a look at a dictionary later, but— are you telling me you can’t stop having… intimate thoughts about Chandler?”

“Yeah, I mean, not _that_ much more than usual,” Joey says.

“So you’ve thought about him like that before,” Monica says. She’s clutching tightly at the magazine now, focus entirely on him.

“Sure, but the bag is making it worse,” Joey says.

……

According to Phoebe, everyone has weird thoughts sometimes.

By that, she means that everyone thinks about having sex with their friends at some point or another.

“If you and I could have a threesome with anyone—”

“Monica,” Phoebe says immediately. “If you had to be there, I’d want Monica there too.”

“Hey,” Joey says, a little offended at the way she talks about if he _had to_ be there. He and Phoebe have hooked up before, so he knows for a fact that she’s a big fan of him, or at least of his mouth.

“Sorry, I just don’t see you doing well in a three way situation with friends,” Phoebe says. “It’d get really confusing. We’d need Monica there to put us in our place.”

“Mmm,” Joey says. As nice as it sounds to have Monica getting all bossy and shrill in bed, though— “I think, if I had to have a threesome with any of our friends, it would be you and Chandler.”

“Chandler?” Phoebe says, eyebrows going up. “I didn’t know you wanted to have sex with Chandler.”

Joey’s never thought of it like that, exactly. It’s always been more about, like, the abstract idea of wanting someone Chandler-shaped, with Chandler’s laugh and Chandler’s terrible hair who also happens to be his best friend and roommate and favorite person.

“Neither did I,” Joey says. “I think it would be good for the Chick and the Duck, though. Growing up in a steady household.”

"I didn’t grow up in a steady household and I turned out great,” Phoebe points out.

“Yeah,” Joey says, because she’s right, she is pretty great. “I think I just like Chandler a lot.”

“Oh, I know,” Phoebe says.

Joey isn’t surprised. Phoebe has a habit of knowing things about Joey before Joey knows things about Joey.

……

It would be a lot easier to learn things about unisex and unisex-adjacent concepts if every word didn’t have ‘sex’ in the middle. It’s like the dictionary wants to distract him, which is pretty inconvenient. If Joey wanted to giggle, he wouldn’t the dictionary, he’d see if Ross was asleep then put shaving cream on his hand, then find Chandler so he could tickle Ross’s nose.

“Why are all the gay words in the dictionary about sex?” Joey says, to no one in particular, and also to Chandler.

“You see, Joe, when two men love each other very much—”

“That’s not what I mean,” Joey says. “I’m trying to figure out the difference between unisex and bisexual.”

“Oh, that,” Chandler says. “That’s an easy one. Clothing is unisex, but people are bisexual.”

“All people?”

“No, just the bisexual ones,” Chandler says. “Same way not all clothing is unisex.”

“Not with that attitude."

“Huh,” Chandler says, considering. “Fair point.”

“Thanks,” Joey says, feeling something mushy and warm in his stomach, the way he usually when Chandler says something nice. “So what about thoughts?”

“What about them?”

“If a dude has unisex thoughts about another guy, does that make him bisexual?”

“Well, that’s the question we’d all love to have an answer to, isn’t it,” Chandler says. But then his face turns all serious, and he hesitates for a second before he says, “Do you have a… friend, or something, who’s maybe questioning some things?”

“Oh, no, not a friend, just me,” Joey says.

“You’re—”

“Like, remember when I told you I had gay thoughts about you, and you told me that, when you say that, it doesn’t mean the same thing as thinking someone’s gay?” Joey says.

“Of course,” Chandler says. “That was a very confusing afternoon.”

“You’re telling me,” Joey says. “Well, anyway, I think I’m having the other kind of gay thoughts, now. The real ones.”

Chandler blinks. “Who about?”

“You,” Joey says simply.

“Me,” Chandler echoes.

“Yeah,” Joey says. “At first I thought it was because of the purse, but then I couldn’t figure out how a purse could make you want to have sex with your roommate, so I’m starting to think that I might be the unisex one, not the bag.”

“I’m confused,” Chandler says. “Are you asking to have sex with me?”

“Not yet, I don’t think,” Joey says. “I was gonna build up to that.”

“Telling me you’re gonna ask me is the same as asking me, you realize,” Chandler says.

“Sure, but I don’t wanna get up from this recliner, so you can sleep on it if you want,” Joey says.

“Like, a mid-afternoon nap?”

Joey shrugs. “Sure. I’ve got some more dictionary reading to do, so.”

“Right,” Chandler says. “Let me know if there are any more definitions I can clarify.”

“Will do,” Joey says, giving Chandler a thumbs up as he flips to the F’s.

……

By the time Chandler’s crowding Joey against the sink in their bathroom and kissing him, Joey’s mostly forgotten about their conversation.

Toothpaste goes everywhere, which is pretty disgusting, but once Joey’s rinsed out his mouth and they’ve both wiped down their faces, they get right back to work. Chandler’s wearing slippers and pajama pants and a sweatshirt, and Joey’s in just his boxers, and the tile underneath his feet and pressed up against his back feels so cold compared to the skin of Chandler’s hands. He’s soft and warm and weirdly familiar, even though Joey’s never kissed him before. He fits differently than the other people Joey’s kissed, feels different, too, but there’s something really natural about it, and when it comes down to it, Joey is a simple guy— he finds what he likes, and does that.

If he’d known this was an option, he’d probably have done it a lot sooner.

“I thought this would be more confusing than that,” Joey says.

“I’m… sorry?”

“It’s okay,” Joey says. “You’re a good kisser.”

“When I remember to let people finish brushing their teeth first,” Chandler says.

“You do this often?”

“Kiss people while they’re getting ready for bed?” Chandler says. “No, not really. Nothing against it, it’s just one of those opportunities that doesn’t present itself all that much.”

Joey lets the deflection slide. “So that’s not a no on sex, then.”

“Yes, Joey,” Chandler says, rolling his eyes. “It’s not a no.”

**Author's Note:**

> not rpf??? no mention of hockey??? who am i? 
> 
> listen man I just watched "the one with joey's purse" for the bilionth time and this happened instead of the work i need to do? whatevs i h8 gender! 
> 
> referenced past phoebe/joey but it's cute 
> 
> sorry for my monica geller thirst!!!


End file.
